It is easy for couples to point out what they don't want in a relationship, they can make endless lists of the things they dislike and things that won't make them happy. When asked what they do want this often a more difficult question to ask. Why is that? We are not used to asking for what we want, especially when it comes to relationships. Instead, we hope that our partner will somehow defy science and be able to read our minds and magically make us happy.
Sadly that's just not how it works. We can't get what we want until we know what we want. This may involve some soul searching and digging deeper into who we are. We are shaped by everything that has gone before. Prior relationships and our childhoods play a part, perhaps you've never been able to ask for what you want or put yourself first. Knowing what you want and going out to get it is not a bad thing! It's not selfish and it's not self-indulgent. It's the foundations for creating your own happiness.
Think about the qualities you want to look for, the life you want to live, how you want to feel, experiences you want to have and some of the big-ticket items. All of this will help you to paint a picture and have some criteria to help you establish what's important to you.
When drawing up your list of what you want from a relationship split this into needs and wants, they are different. Some things will be non-negotiable others less so.
Be honest with yourself and your partner. Share your thoughts and be open to what they have to say in response. They may surprise you or come up with a different view you've not considered. Stay true to the inner essence of you, communicating your desires with grace.
Finally, consider what needs you can meet for yourself. We've been led to believe that our partner will be able to fill the missing voids in our lives, but the reality is quite the opposite. The happiest people have learnt how to meet their own needs and then layer partnership on top.
Here's a recap on how to get started:
Identify your needs and wants from your relationship
Be open and honest with your partner and share your desires
Identify which needs you can fill for yourself
Remind yourself you matter
If you need support with this please book a call today to chat through your relationship dilemmas and how coaching can support you. This topic along with others will be part of my up and coming relationship reset launching soon, email firstname.lastname@example.org for more details.
I know how challenging relationships can be and how exhausting it is when things don't feel right. It is emotionally draining and you can feel so alone. Don't suffer, if you need support make the first step, and start today, with a no-obligation chat. I'm sure you feel better once you say things out loud.
Don't forget to tune into the weekly Podcast Geordie Lass and Doc Sass for all your relationship hot topics and questions, on all major platforms. Episode 22 is all about having a better relationship with yourself check it out.