The Hidden Barrier to Intimacy (and How to Let It Go)

You're in the middle of a conversation that feels meaningful. Maybe you're discussing how distant things have felt lately, or how you're struggling with something at work. You take a breath, ready to share how it's really affecting you, and then you pull back. You shrug it off, make a joke, or change the subject.

That moment, subtle as it may be, is ego at work. And it happens more often than we realise.

What Is Ego, Really?

In relationships, ego isn’t about arrogance. It’s about protection.

It's the part of us that wants to avoid looking weak, being judged, or, worse, getting hurt. Ego often shows up when we feel vulnerable, and instead of leaning in, it tells us to retreat.

It might say things like:

• Don’t show too much, you’ll seem needy.

• Keep it together. You’re the strong one.

• If you open up, they might use it against you later.

And just like that, the moment to connect passes.

The Problem? Ego Fears What Vulnerability Makes Possible

Ego tells us that vulnerability is risky. But emotional intimacy, the deep connection so many of us crave, requires risk. It can’t exist without it.

Real intimacy is built when we:

• Say what we feel even if it’s messy

• Admit when we’re scared, hurt, or unsure

• Share something personal, without knowing how it will land

  
  

These are the moments that build trust. They say, I see you, and I’m letting you see me too.

But when ego steps in, we stay on the surface. We talk logistics, not feelings. We resolve conflict by brushing over it, not working through it. We keep the peace by avoiding the truth.

What This Might Look Like in Everyday Life

• You’re feeling disconnected but instead of saying, “I miss us,” you get short or distant.

• Your partner gives you feedback and instead of hearing it, you defend, explain, or shut down.

• You want more closeness but find yourself criticising instead of asking for what you need.

  
  

Does this sound familiar?

These moments are completely human. They’re also moments where ego is trying to protect you, but in doing so, it’s blocking the very thing you want, connection.

You don’t have to abandon ego altogether. It serves a purpose. But when it dominates your relationship, it shuts down intimacy. Here's how to start shifting:

1. Catch It in the Moment

Begin to notice the moments where you pull back, get defensive, or shut down. Pause and ask yourself, What am I protecting right now?

2. Share Something Small

Vulnerability doesn’t have to be a grand reveal. It can be as simple as saying, “I felt a bit hurt earlier but didn’t know how to say it.” That’s enough to shift the dynamic.

3. Use Soft Starts

Instead of leading with criticism or blame, try opening with your own experience. “I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed, and I miss talking to you.” Vulnerability invites openness, not defensiveness.

4. Embrace the Discomfort

Vulnerability can feel awkward. But that discomfort is a sign that you’re stretching. That you’re choosing connection over self-protection.

Connection Isn’t About Perfection. It’s About Honesty.

The irony of ego is that it tries to protect us from disconnection, but often ends up causing more of it. Vulnerability is the antidote. It says, I trust you enough to be seen. I care about this enough to take the risk.

And when both people show up that way? That’s when real intimacy takes root

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I’m Sara, your relationship coach, and I absolutely love the work I do.

People put their faith in me at some of the hardest points in their relationships. They open up about things they’ve never shared before, trusting me to help them navigate the struggles they can’t seem to solve on their own.

And then, I get to witness something incredible.

I see the moment couples start to understand each other again. Or when a client shifts from frustration to connection, from feeling stuck to feeling hopeful. I see love healing old wounds and creating something even stronger than before.

By the time we’ve completed our time together, clients don’t just feel more connected in the moment, they have the confidence and tools to handle whatever comes next. Even if they are doing the work without their partner.

That’s why I do this. Because every relationship deserves the chance to grow, to heal, and to thrive.

If you’re ready (or even if you aren't), I’m here to support you. Book a call and let’s talk.

PS. Don't forget to listen to Geordie Lass & Doc Sass, my podcast all about relationships! For the latest insights, tips and something to make your smile tune in today.