You tune into your favourite podcast, half-listening as you tick things off your never-ending to-do list.
The host starts talking about intimacy, and suddenly, you freeze. “It’s March, and I haven’t been remotely intimate with my partner this year.”
You rack your brain, trying to remember the last time. Nothing. Life has simply taken over, work, kids, responsibilities. It’s not that you’ve actively avoided intimacy. It just… hasn’t happened.
A wave of guilt hits, but before it can settle, you start justifying it. We’ve been exhausted. Work has been insane. The kids have been unwell. There’s never a good time. It’s just a phase. Then, another realisation creeps in, you’re not even sure you want it anymore. Your desire seems to have vanished overnight.
When Desire Feels Like It’s Disappeared
That’s the tricky thing about desire. We assume it should always be there, ready and waiting, like a spark that ignites out of nowhere. The idea that passion should be spontaneous is something we’ve absorbed from films, books, and the early days of a relationship when everything felt electric. But in reality, spontaneous desire is rare.
Instead, responsive desire takes the lead. This type of desire doesn’t just appear—it needs the right conditions. It needs space, safety, and a mind that isn’t cluttered with a never-ending list of unfinished tasks. It’s much harder to feel in the mood when your brain is still running through emails, dinner plans, or the distinct possibility that a child might knock on the door at any moment.
Reframing Intimacy: It’s Not Just About Sex
Intimacy, like everything else in a relationship, requires intention. If things feel off, if there’s a growing distance, it’s worth having a conversation—not to blame or pressure, but to understand what’s going on. And while that might feel daunting, the good news is that change doesn’t have to be dramatic. Small, intentional shifts can completely transform how intimacy feels in your relationship.
If intimacy has taken a backseat, consider reframing what it means. The idea that desire must be instant, overwhelming, or always lead to sex is one of the biggest barriers couples face. Intimacy can take many forms:
Vulnerable conversations where you share your fears, dreams, and worries
Holding hands in the kitchen while making tea
A moment of deep eye contact where you both just see each other again
Lying close, feeling the warmth of each other’s bodies, with no expectation of what comes next
The black-and-white thinking of we are intimate or we are not leaves no room for the beautiful, playful, and deeply connective moments that happen in between.
Creating Moments of Desire
I’ve been thinking a lot about gratitude lately. If you want to feel more grateful, you don’t just wait for gratitude to appear—you create moments that invite it. The same applies to intimacy. If you want to feel more desire, you need to create more opportunities for desire.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was this: Lie next to each other, completely naked, with no agenda. Just be. There’s something freeing about removing expectation—no pressure, no ticking clock, no need to perform. Just closeness, warmth, and the possibility of something unfolding naturally.
Desire isn’t a switch you flip on and off. It’s a feeling you nurture, a space you create, and a mindset you shift. If intimacy has started to feel like another chore on the to-do list, maybe it’s time to change the story. Instead of something to fit in, what if it became something to look forward to?
You don’t need more time, a weekend away, or the perfect setting. You just need a moment, one that you allow rather than force. Intimacy isn’t lost. It’s just waiting to be rediscovered.
Hi I’m Sara, your relationship coach, and I absolutely love the work I do.
People put their faith in me at some of the hardest points in their relationships. They open up about things they’ve never shared before, trusting me to help them navigate the struggles they can’t seem to solve on their own.
And then, I get to witness something incredible.
I see the moment couples start to understand each other again. Or when a client shifts from frustration to connection, from feeling stuck to feeling hopeful. I see love healing old wounds and creating something even stronger than before.
By the time we’ve completed our time together, clients don’t just feel more connected in the moment, they have the confidence and tools to handle whatever comes next. Even if they are doing the work without their partner.
That’s why I do this. Because every relationship deserves the chance to grow, to heal, and to thrive.
If you’re ready (or even if you aren't), I’m here to support you. Book a call and let’s talk.
PS. Don't forget to listen to Geordie Lass & Doc Sass, my podcast all about relationships! For the latest insights, tips and something to make your smile tune in today.