We have all been there, so excited for what's about to come. It's going to be the best party ever, you've not done this in so long. It has been months in the planning and the evening choreographed to within an inch of its life, clipboard, time check, come on people, have some fun!
And then boom ............. the bubble burst, excitement turns to resentment, anger and blame. Before you know it you are arguing and screaming at it other or the stonewall of silence has come up and, you vowed never to do this again.
Does this sound like a familiar scene in your relationship or maybe with friendships? It all started with excited, then expectation set in and took over. It grew legs, a body and arms all of its own. It turned into a monster.
It is normal to want to have fun in your relationship, especially when you feel you don't have the chance often to let your hair down. Desperate to have a good time and remind yourselves of a life pre-commitments.
We fall into this trap because we don't know how to be with one another any more. We don't know have a conversation that isn't transactional (kids, chores, work, diary appointments to take a pee). We lose the art of connection between one another. We don't know how to be intimate anymore. The weight of expectation tied to a specific outcome is heavy, we place judgement and untrue meaning on the situation.
We had the best intentions, we want to make each other person happy and have a nice time together. As we dance around one another the opposite occurs. In trying so hard to please, we misjudge the responses and feel rejected in the process. The art of being together is eroded even further.
All of this is normal, never for a second think it isn't. Put a stop to the monkey mind that conjured up tales of doom and the end of your relationship. You have reached a natural stage in your relationship. What happens next is up to you and your partner, but the best thing of all is you have choices.
How do you stop the expectation monster?
Stop trying so hard.
Don't pin the success of your relationship on a single or series of events.
Don't compare yourselves to others as we are all in a unique place.
Instead, focus on micro change, swap the focus from a big night, or a weekend away to short date for 30 mins in the garden with tea. If you feel the pressure on the intimate side of your relationship, make the gesture small. Focus not on the act of having sex, instead start with 30 minutes of holding, touching or being close to each other. In the beginning, it may feel weird. You may choose to stay dressed but focus only on feeling connected. You may face perceived rejection from your partner. It is understandable as you introduce something new into the partnership. Do not give up, explain why you would like to try this and explore how it feels.
“Expectations were like fine pottery. The harder you held them, the more likely they were to crack.”
― Brandon Sanderson, The Way of Kings
Please share this with someone you think needs to hear this. If you need help get in touch, at inflori we deal with all kinds of life dilemmas, with a wealth of experience and support available for you. Follow on Instagram or Facebook for tips and inspiration. We wish you the best of luck finding happiness and love, life is to short not to shine brightly.